Crackpot
by morgy
Summary: Bits everyone can enjoy, crack and pot for the druggos, a certain character for LOTR fans, dementors, guns, death, further death, and further death for the morbid. What fun!
1. crackpot old fool

A/N: This is a great fanfic with short chapters. The first line is not mine, it is from the HP movie and I think the book, so anyway, all the rest is mine, except the characters, yes, blah blah blah, all the other disclaimer stuff.  
  
---  
  
"I will not pay to have some Crackpot old fool to teach him magic tricks!" roars Vernon.  
  
In comes a high, old, silver-bearded man, a.k.a. Dumbledore. He smiles blankly, while smoking a pipe. "How did you know I was smoking pot?" he asks, pointing his pipe at Vernon, "Ehh." Vernon's jaw drops with a clunk. "Can I have some pot?" asks Harry. "Noooooo.....NEVER!" screams Dumbledore, "It's my precious!" his eyes squint like a certain creature (Gollum) and his hands go pointy.  
  
He begins to pat his box of crack, which turns out to be the Philosopher's Stone.  
  
Vernon stares and then yells again, "I will not pay for some crackpot old fool to teach him magic tricks," He grabs an old umbrella out of the umbrella stand and points it at Dumbledore.  
  
POOF!  
  
----  
  
Oooohhh! You could cut the tension in this room with a knife! What happens to Dumbledore? Isn't this a lovely cliff hanger.review for the next chapter, but if you don't review, the next chapter will come anyway.so it's a win win situation. Yay! 


	2. pointy hands

So where did we leave off last time? ---  
  
POOF!  
  
Dumbledore turns into a cracked pot made out of crack!  
  
Voldemort walks in with a steak knife. "Anyone up for a juicy steak, I can carve hams really well!" He smiles as he sharpens his knives. He points with his knife at Harry, "I've been practicing since giving you that," indicating at Harry's scar, "Sorry, about that Harry, I thought you were a ham/steak/meat in general, but since then all my practice has made me perfect," he flashes his white teeth "Hold still Harry!"  
  
Voldie lunges viciously at Harry and with much skill carves a flower in Harry's forehead, as he does the final touches Dumbledore, who with his pointy hands is high, knocks Voldie, who cuts across Harry's forehead.  
  
"That's the stem, Potter" Voldie explains.  
  
The "stem" reaches Harry's chin from his forehead, right down the centre of his face.  
  
"Ah! STEM!" Harry yells, as blood dribbles down his face and onto his shirt. Dumbledore puffs frantically, he begins to hyperventilate through his pipe. Vernon sits on the ground and starts to curl up into a ball. He begins to rock back and forth mumbling to himself. -No not inner confusion, but reaction to seeing the drug he had always been addicted to until Dumbledore had stolen it from him, yes the Philosopher's Stone had all the pot anyone could ever want. But it hadn't been enough for Dumbledore. Dumbledore, at this point in time, scrambles profusely at the ground, his pointy hands pawing at the ground, despite the fact that he is a cracked pot, in desperate search of pot.  
  
Harry begins to feel woozy from all the loss of blood. He decides to collect all the blood he lost in a glass and then drink it, thinking this would put it back in his body, but mixed in the blood is bits of pot, which Dumbledore is looking for. As Harry drinks it he gets high and begins to jump as high as possible. He also begins to kick at Vernon.  
  
--- 


	3. Death

Meanwhile.  
  
Hermione runs in shiny eyed.and no.she is not hopped up on drugs. She runs towards Dumbledore eagerly. "Dumbledore!" she squeals like a small wounded child, as she is a small wounded child.  
  
Dumbledore starts to sing jingle bells while swinging on the chandelier. But there is no chandelier so he is swinging on an invisible chandelier made of air. He falls to the grounds and continues to sing.  
  
Vernon shoots him.  
  
Hagrid screams "NOOOOOOO" and shoots Vernon, then himself.  
  
Harry decides to shoot Petunia, but doesn't know how to work a gun so the bullet hits Dudley in the foot. Dudley dies from loss of blood. Petunia screams and tries to kiss Dudley's foot better, but he is already dead.  
  
So she attacks Harry, who is vainly throwing bullets at her. Harry dies a slow and painful death from anorexia and so does Petunia.  
  
The floor shakes.  
  
---  
  
Ooooh! What's going to happen next, stay tuned for the next chapter! So much intrigue. 


	4. the kiss of death

The very last instalment of this lovely piece of writing:  
  
---  
  
Hedwig walks in "Hoot Hoot!" she cries "I have the Daily Prophet! Hoot Hoot!" Hedwig walks out.  
  
Fudge flaps in, "What's happening here, eh?" he points his pipe and pokes at the dead bodies on the floor. "Dumbledore, I have had enough of your antics, get up you old fool!"  
  
Dumbledore does not move as he is dead. Fudge pokes at Dumbledore and shouts at him, "YOU OLD FOOL!"  
  
A dementor comes in. He is in love with Fudge, "Fudge you old roly poly man, I love you," the dementor rasps.  
  
He is sexually attracted to Fudge and approaches him. His lips pouting forward ready for a kiss. Fudge desperate for someone to love him leans forward and they pash, and pash, and pash. Fudge's body goes limp. The dementor is offended by Fudge's lack of enthusiasm and shoots Fudge.  
  
The dementor walks out.  
  
---- 


End file.
